SCUM 2018 - SL7 Round 8 match report

Following on from the joint SCUM and Australian Financial Review's expose of the ANUFC’s descent into financial ruin (see SCUM 2018-18), the Holloway Administration has been in chaos in recent weeks.

In a feeble attempt to divert attention away from the Club accounts, Committee attack dog Macca unleashed a virulent tirade on social media aimed at discrediting the journalist who ran last Week's story. A clear attempt to play the man and not the ball!

But in a surprise turn-around, and Macca under a gag order, President Pat splashed the cash this week on a pre-budget Bib spending spree! Brand new Umbro training bibs rained down upon the impoverished players of Division 7 like middle income tax cuts in an election year. It looked like the plan worked as the players draped themselves in luxurious 1000 thread count pure Egyptian cotton (rumour has it the cotton had been diverted from its original destination of Kiev where it was going to wrap Mo Salah prior to World cup duty…).

As the Div 7 boys wrapped themselves in their new bibs, President Pat was wrapping up the the Div 7 swing votes that would surely prevent him losing his 30th straight newspoll, the same amount ex-President Sharp lost before his unceremonious axing.

Pressure makes diamonds

but luxurious bibs makes men even the hardest man soft. So without any Viagra in the first-aid kit the Div 7 boys limped into their Round 8 match against ADFA hoping for another selfish, entirely one way pleasure ride similar to their last coition.

ADFA had other plans though, and like a fresh military recruit in the middle of a hazing ritual, they charged, cocks swinging in the wind, into battle.

The Div 7 boys were shell shocked having played too many weak teams in recent weeks, they had now lost the will to scrap for points when the going got tough. It was looking like their votes might be wavering too as ex-President Sharp agitated from the sidelines in search of numbers to support a spill.

President Pat on the other hand would rather see the ANUFC’s AAA credit rating fall below Mozambique’s as he opened the treasury once again to grease Div 7’s wheels and make the 2019 Presidential Election / result of the match certain.


Moments later the move paid its first dividends
as the referee inexplicably failed to award ADFA a penalty after Hawkins Snr cut down an opposing player in the box with all the subtlety of Trump’s twitter feed. (Note: This reporter has no evidence of collusion, this is merely what the ABC would call an ‘opinion’ piece, but only after being publicly called out by the Prime Minister.)

ANUFC were unable to find the fluidity in their play that had so far yielded 36 goals and went into the break lucky to be nil-all. Coach Stockwell berated the team on their flaccid performance at half-time - ever more fearsome as he sported his new Glee-paedophile haircut. Little did the team need to worry though, such was the sports-car sized hole that went missing from the Club sovereign wealth fund - 1ANUFC. Sure enough, deep in the second half with a goalless draw appearing likely (despite ANU’s considerable improvement), the Ref intervened again to gift ANU the win. Felix ‘Bale’ Freckmann sent an innocuous free kick looping into the box only for it to slip through the crowded box, avoid the goalkeeper, the host of players fouling the ‘keeper and nestle into the net. While the ANUFC players retreated to half-way expecting the inevitable foul on the keeper to be called, the Ref instead allowed the winning goal and then jumped into his brand new Maserati waiting for him in the South Oval carpark.

A happy ending then this week for Div 7 as they clung on to top spot by the tightest of margins, but how much longer can it last? Will the incoming Treasurer expose the rampant pork-barrelling of the marginal teams? Probably not, as the President’s pick for the job is rumoured to be a long-time STUD stooge who has probably already raided what meagre funds remain in the club coffers to bet it all on Liverpool to win this year’s Champions League final.

SPONSOR: Hellenic Club
The ANUFC is proudly sponsored by the Hellenic Club of Canberra. Get down to the club each weekend to use your Man of the Match voucher, generously provided by Hellenic Club in the City.