SCUM 2018 - SL5 Round 5 match report

Revenge was the order of the day at South for the penalty shoot-out loss of 2016 Grand Final of Jordan Windley’s ANU Div 5 men against that old Tuggeranong team that are arguably the biggest mistake in grading by CF to date, not to mention THE WORST SLEDGERS OF ALL TIME: To me while taking my penalty “Oi Gingerbeard mate do you want a bloody latte, a milkshake or what mate, ya bloody hipster?”.

Having filled in for that fateful match (and slotted my pen I might add) I was able to recognise; firstly the same coach who carries both the weight and anger of two coaches in one, a few of the old faces who knew a thing or two about tearing shreds off ANU defenders and this guy:, apparently so good at the roundball game that he considers carrying a SL5 team more worth his while than playing for the Futsalroos or NPL Olympic.

Notable quotes not featured in this article:

Fulton to Matty R (referee and ANU club stalwart): “I played for the Futsalroos and professionally, so I expect a professional level of service today alright referee?”

So, suffice to say we had had a few words with the boys about respecting the opposition, not jumping in and getting in as many sneaky fouls as possible.

2 Goals to the good in the first half, Fulton being heard to remark, “They’ve got nothing in the middle boys, they’re just going long and shooting… but it’s fucking working”. The first a tap in off a long range free kick from half way by yours truly, Tom Elford finishing superbly around a defense that may not have known that the kick was taken. And the second ANU goal was a fuckn ripper of a cross by I can’t remember who and some flog from tuggers kindly buried the shit out of it into the back of the net for us in what would have been goal of the season if it had been an ANU player.

1 goal to the bad in this half, a deep run down the left wing and a flat cross to the overrun goalbox and some guy who hasn’t had Sydney Morning Herald article’s written about him was able to slot one in, somewhat against the run of play.

Given that this was to be my last game for a few weeks as I was off to get Laser surgery I wasn’t exactly stoked to receive a straight driven ball to the right eye socket after which I was able to read the word “NIKE” on my pupil for about a day. After playing an additional 65 minutes with blacked out vision in the lower half of that eye I then, in a timely fashion (Monday arvo), got checked out for a potential detached retina. This is a serious injury world wide in soccer according to the internet as for the Maths/physics majors, the diameter of the ball is different to that of your eye socket in such a way that the ball deforms and concentrates to hit your eye with a “knuckle” shaped portion (often detaching or damaging your retina) and then causes a secondary suction effect as it leaves your eye. Which is all sorts of fucked up pain, stars and blacked out vision if you ever have the misfortune to experience it. 

Now speaking of all sorts of fucked up pain and blacked out vision, the ref experienced a bit of this himself when he copped a straight drive to the gonads (Old Lefty, emphasis on old) from Tuggeranong in about the 53rd minute. So, after an extended drinks break all calls went our way after that for obvious reasons.

Lots of composed defending was done by ANU in the second half, Tuggers shifting to 3 at the back and the extra man forward giving us a bit more cause for concern. Certain ex-futalroos players copping it left right and centre and continuing the tradition of Tuggeranong being shit sledgers “Your an absolute fuck wit mate.” Correction; It’s “You’re”. Firstly I’m a university educated fuck wit and secondly I sure as fuck am not your mate. 

Nothing we couldn’t handle as it turned out, keeping a clean sheet in that half with some fucking top shelf saves from Souveek Halder, who had an absolute pearler of a day in goals.

Late in the Match the words “I WILL EAT YOUR FIRST-BORN CHILD REF, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?” were heard to be screamed by a certain opposition team coach, and shortly after he received a yellow and warned that he would be sent from the pitch ANU snuck one last nail in the Tuggeranong Coffin to tie up the match 3-1 to the Good, a tidy finish by Henry Barclay, hair immaculate as usual.

Not gonna lie if nothing else goes well this season, I’ll finish the season happy after this one. And in answer to the question posed in September 2016 I’ll have a large Cap’ with One, you red necked fucks.

SPONSOR: Hellenic Club
The ANUFC is proudly sponsored by the Hellenic Club of Canberra. Get down to the club each weekend to use your Man of the Match voucher, generously provided by Hellenic Club in the City.