SCUM 2018 - SL2 Round 5 Match Report
I kissed a girl (and I liked it)

The strong band of brutes from State League 2 are back at Willows once again after a scary, scary visit to Cooma last week. After a surprisingly easy win over the shaggy beard-growing, cousin-caressing tradies, the boys were eager to get another W over some more aggressive dickheads. 

Although, this time with some minor (but helpful) changes…

This time, we actually had a solid goalkeeper, Liam, who can save shit. And better still can kick further than the 6-yard box. And better STILL, has healthy, working lungs.

Unfortunately for us

Dylan’s birthday this week meant he was in no working state to be on a football field, not even on the bench, so Turps had to resort to putting his leading goalscorer in right back (I know right, fucking ridiculous), and Nick “I’d suck anything to have 5 minutes up front” Speldewinde, once again, back in his all-star left back position. Furthermore, Jamie was put in centre-back to scare the Lanyon forwards (only because Alex isn’t intimidating at all).

The game started off swimmingly, with the boys in blue putting one away (courtesy of Kristian “expertise-from-overseas” Eskedal) pretty quickly. Although an open goal whiff from Luke “illiterate space-cadet” Palombi moments after dropped the morale for the entire team. Nice work Luke, you can kiss golden boot and that case of VB bet goodbye at this point.

The rest of the half saw multiple attempts from Luke (key word: attempts), BBB (Big Bad Buzz) and Pauly “the leaping gazelle” Mullens, with Kristian putting away our second late in the 1st half, someone please stop this man.

The second half saw more of these attempts, including a couple of beautiful through balls and sneaky chips by the team-carriers themselves. Don’t know what this team would do without Oscar and Cam. A solo dribble from Brando late in the second half confirmed our Round 5 win, keeping us undefeated going into the next round. Suck on that SL1. 

Overall, a decent game from the boys, although could easily have been 5-0 if Luke was actually good.

Off Field Update

Breaking news for one of the players, Oscar “the lawn-mower” Morgan has finally opened the gates of heaven. An absolute stunner from college has got to know him pretty well (in the ‘biblical’ sense) and the young boy’s V-card has finally been terminated. He only has 1 hole left to go…

2 softcocks were also in Sydney last weekend and missed an important game. Nithin and Cal, good riddance, you won’t be missed. 

Furthermore, I’ve heard along the grapevine that Alex is still not injured, not sure if it’s ridiculous luck, or some mystical fairy has blessed him, maybe Cal really does have a soft side…

More next week,


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