SCUM 2018 - SL2 Round 4 Match Report

Dear SCUM

Hi, my name is Oscar. I am new to the club and I wanted to take some time to introduce myself to you, and also tell you about my first trip to Cooma.

First, a little bit about me. I am from Sydney. Here is a picture of my first day at university:

I must admit, I was a bit sad at first when Mother and Father dropped me off for that first day. But it was ok because my bestest friend forever, Cam, was here as well, and he also plays for the club. Here is a picture of Cam’s first day at University:

I like Cam.

Anyway, Cam and I both play for SL2 this year (Cam played last year as well). And on the weekend we had a road trip to Cooma for a game. Now, before coming to Canberra I had never been south of the North Shore, so it was pretty wild coming to Canberra. But Cooma was a whole other level of wild.

Turps was nice and let me start the game. I played quite well for a little while and helped set up the first goal for some old guy in the team called Buzz (between you and I, he is old enough to be my father – although shorter and worse looking than my real father).

After this first goal though, I started to feel a bit funny. I felt like I was hallucinating. Maybe I didn’t drink enough water, or maybe it was altitude sickness, but I could have sworn I was seeing a magical Gnome – see:

Turps said maybe I just needed a rest, so I spent the rest of the half watching the game from the bench while someone else scored another goal. It might have been Cam – I don’t like it when Cam scores goals.
I felt better after half time and I went back onto the field. As it turns out, I wasn’t hallucinating in the first half. I was just confused. I was actually seeing a hillbilly. Not just any hillbilly, but an angry little hillbilly:

Even though he was angry, he was also pretty funny. In the first half he said that Spindy was a shit player. Cam and I thought that was like sooooo funny.

As it turns out, I don’t like hillbillies. He was mean to me and told me to “get fucked”. So I told him “no you get fucked”. Then he said “no you get fucked”. So I told him “no you get fucked”. I think that went on for a while as we scored four more goals. At the end we told each other to “get fucked” again. He was mean. I don’t like hillbillies. It’s a pity Macca wasn’t there to help me with some better banter.

Anyway, we won 6-0, which was good. But I don’t like hillbillies and I don’t want to go back to Cooma any more.

If you like, I might let you know about some of Cam and my other adventures over the course of the season. Who knows what else we will see on our adventures in the wilds of Canberra…

Kind regards

Oscar Morgan III, esquire.